Today is World mental health day. When you have a physical injury it's much easier to notice and adjust for if you are the one with the injury or to offer support if you see someone what is injured. Social media has created curated views of impossibly perfect lives that we subconsciously measure ourselves against and the pandemic drove us to isolate for safety has also amplified our insecurities. Mental health issues are invisible to most. I don't know if I'm equipped to detect it in others... I barely realize the cause of issues when I'm having problems. We can do more to help those suffering silently. This first step is to educate and make a safe place for conversation about mental health issues.
This was really hard to write... I had planned to write on this subject weeks ago like any other post but this time I felt time I was meandering or want to emphasize other aspects or wanted to change the tone and structure to make it more helpful. Perhaps part of the difficulty is I don't feel like I have it figure out... not even in a rough framework. So this is just my opinion and I fully admits I'm not an expert and I'm definitely not a life coach. In fact I am still adjusting, balancing, and learning. I hope my story will let people know they are not alone and the sharing can help others open up conversation and helps them find a path that brings them lasting happiness. This is also a good reminder for us all to try to be more understanding of those around us and maybe if you are in a position to... offer a helping hand.
My story
Emotions amplify your experiences and remove objectivity... kinda like a TV that put a warm hue on everything and adds a little saturation... It doesn't reflect it something actually looked at the time and it could look better. This is an over simplification but when you are happy this how the world can look. But it can go the other way too... tv the desaturate everything to the point that it's almost black and white. This could be how you see thing when you are depressed.
Years ago I was feeling like I was in a low part of my life and while I do have relapses now and again, it's not nearly as bad as that time period. Each morning as I woke up I could feel this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was the anxiety of all the things I remembered that needed attention that day and the anticipation of the bad surprises I was sure to meet throughout the day. It was not a good way to start the day.
Then the guilt would set in as I thought of the huge backlog of emails that I can't get through because of all the meetings I have during the day and tasks I dropped the ball on for the same reason. The only time I could get work done was in the slivers of time between meetings or in the evenings. Suffering silently and putting on a smile.
If it were just work, perhaps it could be manageable. But there was also the guilt in my personal life I felt for not being a good son as I didn't drop by over that weekend to help with chores, or because I had not working on my financial planning and portfolio for some time, or ran out of time to work on the house repairs or the car repairs that needed attention, or any number of the other responsibilities I had.
I would triage and prioritize based on the amount of guilt I felt. But triage is only a short term fix not a solution. This constant spiral of guilt was suffocating. There were glimmers of happiness (hearing a joke or a funny cat video) but they were quickly become extinguished in the sea of guilt that seemed to run my life at that time.
When most thing are going well or at least not going wrong in your life... you have a reserve "gas tank". When something goes wrong you still have energy to take care of the problem. Each day I would use up my reserve gas tank at work and the negative feelings would follow me to my personal life. I just have no energy left... I would doze off after dinner and that and my racing brain thinking about all the work I needed to get to would keep me up and anxious which kept me tired the next day. It was an inescapable cycle. On weekend I would doze off in the middle of the afternoon. Then feel guilty for no having a more productive day to get to all the chores of responsibilities waiting for me. Then I would feel more guilting for feeling bad... because how bad is my situation... really... I'm not in a war torn country. I'm in a 1st world country with ample food and safety... what do I have to complain about. There must be something wrong with me or this is just a temporary feeling.
Despite my hopes that these feelings would go away... they did not. I began to feel desperate and turned to remedies that I used to think of as pseudo science hippy nonsense. I tried a meditation app. I can't say I understand what meditation is but there was some value in the calming voices and exercises. I also tried going out for walk when I could tear myself away for a change of scenery... This turned out to be especially important as I work from home and during the pandemic I only ventured outside every few week to get food and other necessities. My environment was fairly static. But work alone wasn't the problem... while we may like to think of work and personal life as nice neat compartments... they are messy and bleed into each other. If there are stresses in one part of your like you have a chance of weathering it but if you have stresses in all parts that's when your situation can become desperate.
It was on a beautiful summer evening while taking a rare evening walk around the neighbourhood... I had a revelation. Throughout the walk I kept thinking about all the things I need to get done when I got home and was mentally only partial there with the person walking with me. At about the half way mark, I remember seeing this man watering his lawn and garden... he was very slow and methodical. I remember thinking wow that is paradise what an absolute luxury to be able to just take your time like that.
"...there's something wrong with the world..."
For the rest of the walk, it was like the description Morpheus gave in the movie Matrix, "What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world." It not okay that I think doing those mundane things that are part of life is a luxury I can't afford. Or that, I can't stop thinking about work and feel guilty when I try to do things in my personal life knowing there is work calling for my attention. Or that, I'm not really fully there, when I'm spending time with loved ones. I started to realize the true impact of the phrase "stop to smell the roses" as it came into focus from the of the back of my mind. My walking companion continued to make conversation and I was mentally fading into the distance as I tried to reconcile the frustration that was building of trying to be the best/ideal at everything (every role I expected myself to play in my professional and personal life).
With any problem I have had in my life, my solution had been to take it apart and look for parallels to other problems I've face in the past or have heard others solve. I knew time was the great equalizer, we all have the same 24hrs a day... 7 days a week. Was the problem efficient allocation/usage of that time? This kept bubbling in the back of my mind for a few days/weeks.
Having it all
What is "having it all"? This is different for everyone. It is often a combination of excelling in your professional and personal life. Excelling professionally could be just have a respectable job at a well know company, it could be progressing quickly up the ladder and possessing a job title that is uncommon among your contemporaries, it could be being recognized in your industry as a thought leader, etc. Everyone will have different expectations in measuring their success.
Now let's examine what is excelling at one's personal life as this is often is much more variable. What this encompasses changes with the stage of life you are in... as you mature you take on more responsibilities. Initially as you venture out into life, most of us only have to worry about ourselves... take care of our finances, our health, our property (car, home, etc). If you become a parent this means taking a large amount on time to care for another human. Initially that just physiological and safety needs but grows to intellectual, social, moral development and guidance. Then as your caregivers and loved ones age, you become their caregiver. You now have to take on responsibilities for their finances, health and well being, property maintenance, etc. You may also have hobbies and interests that need fulfilling for you to feel like you are excelling in your personal life.
Unachievable dream for many
Why is it unachievable for many? It comes down to time (available for you to apply efforts to your pursuits) and relationships (that can support you in you pursuit of "having it all"). We all have the same 24hrs a day 7 days a week. If we think back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (https://www.rotman.utoronto.ca/Connect/Rotman-MAG/IdeaExchange/Page2/Spring2017-Eric-Almquist), most people will spend 2/3 of their time in a week on the most basic level Physiological and Safety needs through employment. That leaves us with 1/3 of our time for an ever growing list of personal responsibilities. Any time left is all you have for hobbies and interests which are at the highest level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Those are the thing that bring personal satisfaction and identity.
If you often feel there is never enough time to get everything done. It feels like you are pull in a thousand directions all the time... you are at your limits. You may try to cope by triaging all those responsibilities and let guilt prioritize what you give your precious little time. Constant guilt is no way to live. Recognize triage is only reacting to the problem and won't solve the problem... you need to step back and plan to improve your situation.
There is Hope
Just because you can't have it all doesn't mean you stop trying to improve and aim higher... I just wanted to free you from the guilt if you miss your mark. Always push your limits and be ok with whatever comes of it because you know you did your best (with the info and situation you had at the time). Things might look different in hindsight and with more info. Don't beat yourself up because you would make a different decision now.
Life is like a river
Life is like a river... we are in a boat on it and we do have some measure of control but not fully. We can move from side to side and control our speed. And we might for a moment go against the current but ultimately the river controls the overall motion of the boat.
We don't have control of all the variables in our life situations... so all we can do is make the best of what we can control. Instead of "having it all" just aim for a sub set of what really matters (this is different for each of us). Get the under control and in a good place and then add another if you can.
A friend told me... you don't have the be the hero saving the day every time.
Early in my career, I had to be the one to solve the problems and that helped me grown. I had more time and less responsibilities (especially personal ones) then. Take a back seat once in a while and let others be the hero. Let them stretch and become stronger. They become a reserve gas tank of sorts and the team as a whole becomes stronger.
I have been lucky with hiring managers and most have really cared about my well-being. In you have a good manager... be vulnerable and share your struggles... if nothing else you will have a sympathetic ear... but maybe just maybe they will also have advice and the ability to help improve your work situation.
If are lucky enough to have people close to you that can (and are happy to) help with responsibilities... Find ways to share some of your many personal responsivities. This will give you some time back... but be careful not to burden them too much.
There is an old saying... "if the problem can be solved with money then it's not really a problem." If you have the financial means to outsource a responsibility maybe consider spending some money to buy back time as that is a priceless resource if you use it wisely.
Change of you environment (physical) or change of what you are doing (thus your mindset) can help bring some perspective and give you hope. Do a little thing that makes you happy. Maybe that cooking a new recipe or take a drive down a twisty country road... Do something that makes you happy.
Sometimes giving advice is easier than taking your own advice. I think this is emotions amplifying things again. So helping someone else might help you see your own situation differently. Another technique I seen is to talk about you situation out loud and noting the feeling out loud. This is suppose to help you see it more objectively and see a solution more clearly.
This is my solution so far... what solutions would you suggest adding?
Reduce the definition of success
Tap into you support network
Buy back time
Make time to do things that make you happy
Helping some one else can help you see
Job burnout symptoms (Mayo Clinic)
Check to see if you are burning out.
Have you become cynical or critical at work?
Do you drag yourself to work and have trouble getting started?
Have you become irritable or impatient with co-workers, customers or clients?
Do you lack the energy to be consistently productive?
Do you find it hard to concentrate?
Do you lack satisfaction from your achievements?
Do you feel disillusioned about your job?
Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or to simply not feel?
Have your sleep habits changed?
Are you troubled by unexplained headaches, stomach or bowel problems, or other physical complaints?
Resources
If you are in a dark place in your life, don't be afraid to ask for help:
Mental Health Support: 1-866-585-0445 or text WELLNESS to:
686868 for youth
741741 for adults
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text TWLOHA to 741741
Options for Deaf & Hard of Hearing: 1-800-799-4889
